Canada Day: Part Deux

It seems I spoke too soon yesterday when I made my plans for Horkenbloogen ottoman-buying at IKEA public.  As yesterday was Canada Day, I had planned a celebration of all things Canada, including my semi-annual IKEA pilgrimage.  Even though the store is Swedish and not Canadian, I’ve made my mind up that it’s Canadian so long as there doesn’t appear to be a store close enough to Buffalo here in The States.  Tiny meatballs and poutine are almost the same thing, I figure.

So we drove to the Great White North yesterday, the sun beaming on our arms hanging out the windows, the wind blowing through our hair like only a Canadian wind can do.  We got to Burlington (surprisingly, upsettingly, not home to the Coat Factory) and pulled into the IKEA concrete football field parking lot.  Here is an abridged version of what we saw there:

I suppose I could have checked into the fact that it being Canada Day would prohibit stores in Canada from being open.  I honestly had the thought that the day was about Canada wanting to feel more American.  It’s close to our Independence Day, so why not make a four-day weekend out of it and name a day after ourselves?  Sounds easy enough to me.

That is not what Canada Day is, I found out.  It’s all about IKEAs being closed.  I didn’t know Sweden and Canada were so in love with each other.  Someone has to be, right?

Next time I will call ahead first.  It will sound something like this:

Time and day: March 21, 200something.  Early afternoon.  Lunch is over.  Afternoon correspondences have commenced.

Me:  (dialing Canada.....1+800+4CAN-ADA) Hello?
Canada:  Hi Ben.
Me:  Oh hi Canada.  How’s it going up there?
Canada:  Cold, but you know, ehh.
Me:  Yeah, I know cold, Canada.  Believe me, I know cold.
(we both laugh)
Canada:  Oh Ben.  You’re always so friendly.  So how are things in Buffalo?
Me:  I’m not going to lie, Canada.  I need some cheap cereal bowls and invisible floor lamps.
Canada:  Who doesn’t?! (we both chuckle this time) Well I’ll tell you what, why don’t you come over here and go shopping at our Swedish cheap furniture and invisible home appliance store.
Me:  You mean Best Buy?  We have those now.
Canada:  No, silly!  IKEA.
Me:  Oh IKEA Right.  I forgot about that.  Okay, what time should I come over?  I’m busy through Thursday but I can make it over on July 1.  I’m free in the morning and the rest of the day.  Nothing going on here in America on July 1.  How does that work for you?
Canada:  Yeah, July 1 doesn’t work for me.  It’s Me Day.  You know, the Canadian Fourth of July.  It’s July First, but it’s the same thing.  That and we have Anne Murray.
Me:  Yes.  But we have James Earl Jones.
Canada:  Touche.
Me:  So I can’t come over on the first?  That’s the only day I’m available until next January.  That’s almost a whole year!
Canada:  Sorry Ben.  We’re doing the best we can.  We’re a little behind here.  We only just got cable.  Have you seen this new show, “The Facts of Life?”
Me:  eeeerrrkgfgfmmfg.....Yes!  Yes I have.  Jeez!  Okay, listen, let’s do this.  How about you open IKEA for me on July 1 and I’ll promise to use real maple syrup the next Eggo I eat and not the fake syrup stuff.
Canada:  It’s not going to cut it Ben.  Sorry.  But listen, I have to go.  Rene Angelil is paging me.  He wants Celine to be the grand marshall of the Calgary’s Boxing Day Parade.  The man doesn’t understand, she is NOT our queen.  We don’t do that anymore.  Okay, I’ll leave you a voicemail as soon as I can figure out the Canada Day thing.  I promise.  Are you on MySpace?
Me:  Yes.  My screen name is swedishdoitbetter.  I guess I’ll hear from you later.  (I hang up, upset at Canada but at least better-equipped to plan my next July 4th vacation weekend.)